Friday, December 11, 2009

...Now What?

A pouring out of thoughts... (done with SPU almost done with college where is my life going thoughts)

I don't deserve these amazing blessings.

After telling my mom about how I was saying goodbye to a few of my closest friends from college and how we just couldn’t leave each other and a few of the things they told me before they left she got a little misty eyed. That night when we were all praying together she thanked God for giving me another family while I was at school. It was weird to hear...but she was right. The family God has made by His Sons blood and through His Spirit is real, imperfect still, but strong. Sometimes even stronger than human blood relationships.... I guess as Christians we really are blood related... the blood of Christ. He really did provide me with a few precious people I started to see as a "family" whether they feel like it or not :). You can’t help but bond with people when you're with them 24/7. I really believe I've grown to truly love some of my friends here... with a love that isn’t even from me. I know that it isn’t from me because I just so want the very best that God has for them.. even if that doesn’t involve me being in their lives. Some of these people truly become as close as siblings. What a beautiful, beautiful thing God's family is. If this strong of joy and affection can be felt among broken sinners, then how amazing can the True Love be from the Savior of our souls! Such an amazing thought. This love I have for these people has been so strong, even though only a few years before were complete strangers. That seems so crazy to me. The people with which I have been friends for years and years and years who I kind of count as family now I can not see them for a year and be reunited and (it feels so good... just kidding) it's like we were never apart. Then, the roommate I had for just 2 years who now lives somewhere else and whenever I see her it feels the exact same way. Again, I guess it’s the close proximity... sometimes too close proximity

Oh.... I'm still so much a sinner.

God has COMPLETELY changed the way I look at so many different things throughout my time at college: the way I view small details within the church, how I view pain, how I view gifts, how I view money, how I view boys, how I view humanity, how I view myself, even how I view Him. He (and ONLY He) has matured me so very much.... but yet I still hurt people... and probably a lot worse then I think I do.... I still struggle daily with selfish motives and desires and can be extremely rude and hurtful at times... I know this is informal and broad but if you're reading this now and I've hurt you in any way... I am so sorry. I can only pray that God heals up any wounds I've caused... by His grace I am confident that He is able to. Hopefully God can teach me through these mistakes so I can prevent further damage to other people.


Though it was my major, to be honest I kind of came into college wanting to learn some stuff but then just really do ministry my whole life. I loved to draw (still do) but didn’t really know if I was good enough to do anything else. Little did I know that through learning the skills and tools of art and experiencing creation of the beautiful though the work of my fellow classmates that God would use art to help change my life. Art is so much bigger and more powerful then I ever expected... kinda like God Himself. Art isn’t just drawing or painting or something "pretty" or anything like that... it is those things to be sure but it is so much more. I believe true art is in a small or big way the recognition and visitation of the likeness of God in us. It leads to worship. Though I believe this can, and in many ways today is, taken and skewed in horrible and wrong ways, when art is made with the true Artist in mind the act of concept, making and enjoying art is all a great form of worship. I am so grateful that God has shown me over past couple of years through SPU some real deal artists. Some of which are my amazing professors, (Laura Lasworth, Roger Feldman, Gala Bent, Christen Mattix, Kayo Nakamura... just to name a few) and a few are Divinely gifted students, classmates and dear friends. Now that God has shown me all of this I wonder.... where is this going?

I had plans... I knew where You wanted me... or did I?

So I have a feeling that though I am a big confused now, I probably will end up where I always thought I was going to be.... but..... I really think I might be in other places first.... or not.... I’m both surprised and not about how truly unknowing I am about where I will end up next. I do have a short term plan (substitute here in Quincy, helping out my family and raising money for Israel) but after that... it’s so open. Not awfully open however... I truly feel like I need to keep a somewhat close distance between myself and my family. There are so many different passions growing in my heart for so many different things: my family, the homeless, the poorest of the poor, youth, youth in my home town, the lost, people who are lost who think they’re saved. I want to spread art, music, my time and energy. I want to spread the gospel. But what exactly I'll be doing... who I'll be doing what I'm doing with... where I'll be doing that thing... and for how long with... and who I will become.... are all BIG ?'s... But I sure do hope the answer to last question is more like Jesus Christ. Besides that... I think God is starting to make me more at ease about not knowing the answers to those yet.... Time… time is over... and it’s over again...and tomorrow... the next second.. it just passed... in a few minutes it'll be a new day and the minutes that I am occupying right now will be over... what will I have done in them. How much will I be making of God? How much of His hope will I be spilling out?... exceedingly more and more I do hope.

Oh Jesus... I thank You... I thank You. I have nothing... nothing but gratitude. You have truly given me all that I need. And oh God how I forget so... remind me... may I remind of myself of YOUR SACRIFICE every moment of everyday and glory in You... in Your Presence... in Your Peace... in the Hope of Your Glory and glorious plan for these people and this earth. You are truly everything... may I ever be reminded... Your grace really is enough...

May Gods grace always be enough for me

and you as well

be blessed my friends, He really is enough :)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

What I Want To Do vs What I Actually Do

I want to:

PREACH THE GOSPEL! not ONLY with how I live my life but with words!! inspired words from the Holy Spirit filled with life and Jesus!!

feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take in the stranger, heal the sick, turn the other cheek, walk the second mile

pour out the jelous, exhausting, weighty, perfect, powerful, awful, big love of the Father to EVERYONE I meet... ESPECIALLY to thoes that hate and despise me

walk to my neighbors and just ask if I can share the gospel with them even if and ESPECIALLY because I think they will turn me down the first time

live C O U R A G E O U S L Y.... filled with the Spirit. Unafriad of what anyone can do to my body

count everything I have as loss

LIVE FOR CHRIST so that my dying will be all gain

have one lover my whole entire life...... Christ JESUS my Lord

What I actually do is:

My homework like a good little privaleged college student

Ignore the voice of God in my head that whispers (and sometimes screams) for more of me

Lay on my nice comfortable bed while other spend the night on the cement as their souls are wasting away without knowledge of the saving gospel

Sit here writing this blog while people DIE without hearing the gospel

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
Lord, save me from myself

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Cry

(WARNING: vent... read at own discretion)

I write this mainly to myself but also include any others who call yourselves "Christians"... all other people are excluded from this rant...

Oh... when God.... when will we realize.... that when in Your Word you say "POWER" and "GLORY".... that is what you mean... that you are not only a God of love but of WRATH and that you DEMAND .. You DEMAND justice!! When will we realize our pitiful folly... our course jokes... our complete blindness to the Power and Glory of Your name and Your self... You have become our trinket.... A word we use when we're angry.... our "homeboy"....

Creator and Sustainer of all things...

my homeboy??? I dont care anymore if its just a joke I dont care anymore if I'm quoting someone i dont FREAKING care how funny it really is... Lord... I'm tempted to ask you strike me where i stand when i take you lightly..... Oh Holiness... Oh Great Majesty ..............

forgive me

I cant do it! I cant live this life!!!! I CANNOT LIVE THE CHRISTIAN LIFE!! I cant!!! There is nothing in my power to do anything for Christ!!......... Oh how i mock Him so.... oh Jesus please forgive me! All of the beautiful things You've made... Your creation: the trees the hills the animals the mountains the sky the stars the moon the sun the galaxies the atoms the angels scream Your praises! Everyday in their languages they cry:

Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come

And we.... with no problem at all..... call you homeboy? Deal with you lightly in conversation oh GOD! Have mercy on me!........................................have mercy on me..........................

Oh please... may I never... EVER again take you lightly.... EVER again
Oh... if we could see You.... we would not be taking Your Name so lightly...... we would not be taking Your personhood so lightly.... we would either be on the ground dead or on the groud out of our minds HORRIFIED at the Glory of Your Presence.. *just read Job to understand this* I RIGHTLY DESERVE EVERY EVIL THAT COMES AFTER ME! IF GOD WERE TO SEND ME TO HELL I WOULD STILL DESERVE IT AND HE WOULD STILL BE HOLY....

oh Father... I dont understand it.... thank You for Your grace... Your grace is my anchor... oh my i realize from what You are saving me from... and to NEVER again take it lightly... thank You that I can have grace on other people who do take You lightly... and may I God... because You have had the utmost grace on me... help me to learn grace.... teach me grace..... teach me grace

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


Oh Lord....

Please forgive me. For thinking wrongly of you. For thinking of others above you. For thinking of my own oppinions of you above you. For being a jerk while calling other people jerks. For my sin forgive me...

How ignorant I am of the sheer magnitude of it without you... Oh Father... Jesus... I cling to You by Your Holy Spirit... become precious to me. More precious then the next breath you lovingly give to me. May I know they way in which you work and not limit you. May you continue fixing my eyes soley on you and not my desires. May I begin to love how you have shown us to love... so powerfull and majestically... Please help me to remember that all the desires I have for other things can be fulfilled completely in You.

Oh Lord....

Thank you

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Equivalent to a Journal Entry

"Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow"

He paid. it. ALL.

He paid it all!! He PAID IT ALL!!

He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him —2 Corinthians 5:21

Oh how these words soothe my soul... because there really is no one righeous... not even ONE. And I am the worst of these... but He paid it!!! He didnt just feel sorry for me!!! He WAS NOT just an example for me to follow!! He has began to put His own perfect life in me... even as we speak there is life, pure, real, beautiful life being given to my dead rotting soul and body...... oh but not by anything I've done... not by ANYTHING I've done... Oh MAN this is so hard for us to grasp... many people end up dying unsaved because we think its too good to be true or its just plain impossible. If we truly with uncovered eyes look upon ourselves we know the monstrosity that is our own hearts. If we truly look we see and know that it doesnt matter how many good things we've done in a row or how good our attitiude is or how good we think our motives are we know they're really not. We know that even if some of the things we have done are good we're going to mess it all up tomorow, there will be a time when we lash out or think a horrifically vengeful and murderous thought or we will refrain from doing something worthy and noble because we want to look good in front of the wrong people. I'm sorry to say this but there will be a day when we have to stand before a perfect righeous judge that demands perfect justice. And if we dont have the One who paid it all living inside of us we will not measure up. And there wont be anymore second chances. But right now Oh there is a marvelous second chance!! To explain this the best way I can I have to borrow from a wonderful theologian Oswald Chambers,
"Sin is a fundamental relationship— it is not wrong doing, but wrong being— it is deliberate and determined independence from God. The Christian faith bases everything on the extreme, self-confident nature of sin. Other faiths deal with sins— the Bible alone deals with sin...and it is because we have ignored this in our presentation of the gospel that the message of the gospel has lost its sting and its explosive power...The revealed truth of the Bible is not that Jesus Christ took on Himself our fleshly sins, but that He took on Himself the heredity of sin that no man can even touch. God made His own Son "to be sin" that He might make the sinner into a saint. It is revealed throughout the Bible that our Lord took on Himself the sin of the world through identification with us, not through sympathy for us. He deliberately took on His own shoulders, and endured in His own body, the complete, cumulative sin of the human race.
Oh... myself and anyone who is reading this... REPENT AND BELIEVE!! Be saved!

He can do it!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Whats been going through my head


God of the Universe...

am i Yours?

I have begun to see in Your Word to what extent the heinous crime of sin really is... I also have begun to see just how much you cannot stand for it. You see it as pussy oozing sore (Isaiah 1:6) and vomit (Proverbs 26:11). Even my good deeds... my good deeds... to you its a soiled dirty tampon (Isaiah 64:6). Oh God... oh Lord God how... how misserable I am. Do I hate this sin? Do I HATE this vomit... these filthy oozing sores of mine. If I truley, with eyes opened wide looked at myself and looked at you, these things are what I would be without You. Oh Jesus... you say without a doubt all over Your Word that if You inhabbit a person they are changed. Their desires, motives and ACTIONS will begin to take a great change. OH JESUS... is that me?

Now... I have seen changes in my life. SIGNIFAGANT changes in what I will, or even what I enjoy allowing myself to watch/read/listen to. I truley have began to find a hatred for sinful things. But oh how I still struggle... oh dear friends... ESPECIALLY those of you who call yourselves "Christians" and claim Christ Jesus...

T  E  S  T    Y  O  U  R    S  E  L  V  E  S
                   1 JOHN 3

I BEG and PLEAD with you... go through the Bible... ESPECIALLY the parts that you don't agree with. Because, you gotta know it makes NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER to take only parts of the Bible litterally! (2 Timothy 3:16) Notice how this verse says  A L L . Not most, ALL and you cant skip that part!! So please... read your Bible! Have the changes stated in the Bible began showing up in your life? (Romans 6:19) (Hebrews 10:14) (1 Corinthians 6:11) (Romans 6:22) (and SO much more) If not.. GET DOWN ON YOUR FACE AND PRAY... This is no small deal. SIN is the problem you guys... S I N is the problem. And not anyone elses but you're own sin and my own sin. God did not hide His face from Jesus when He was on the cross because He felt sorry for Him. He did it because MY and YOUR NASTY, UGLY, PEAUTRID, DISPICABLE, DAMNABLE, DIRTY sin... was all He could see. "But the LORD was pleased to crush Him"... (Isaiah 53:10) That is how just God is... do you know how wonderful, beautiful and poweful Jesus is? The universe was made, THROUGH Him, BY Him AND FOR Him. The birds sing for HIM the sun rises for HIM yours and my heart beats for HIM... oh the love that God the Father has for Jesus... it is more than any human could take. He takes great pleasure in Him (Matthew 3:17) The pure unfiltered love God has for His Son would kill me on the spot by the sheer magnitude of it... Yet it pleased the LORD... to crush Him...

Oh yeah... I say to myself I dont sin too bad... Thinking to much about a guy... laughing at a dirty joke here and there...



Now because of that, I can be fully loved my the Most High... Oh the great love and justice of God... all I am saying through this (and I'm saying it mainly to myself)... just check yourself. If there is a definate and notable change in your life from how you were before Christ, that is very good. The biggest sign is... do you hate that you just laughed at that joke? Do you hate that you just spent a good 20 minutes daydreaming about things that you shouldnt? If you DO hate it... that is a very good sign. Now if you dont... pray to God for mercy. And if you feel no shame for any of this what-so-ever... stop claiming Christ and just go on your own way... (Like I said... I'm telling this mainly to myeslf)...

Save me Lord

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Just so good!

This book! I can't get over it! God has been working hardcore in my life through "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. I reccomend this book to EVERYONE! Plus, you only read a page of it a day so every one of you has time for it :). Todays entry spoke so directly to all that I've been learning recently I thought I'd share it with you:

I indeed baptize you with water . . . but He . . . will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire —Matthew 3:11

Have I ever come to the point in my life where I can say, "I indeed . . . but He . . ."? Until that moment comes, I will never know what the baptism of the Holy Spirit means. I indeed am at the end, and I cannot do anything more— butHe begins right there— He does the things that no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand, and wherever I think I am clean is where He will remove His feet and walk away.

Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness. When I repent, I realize that I am absolutely helpless, and I know that through and through I am not worthy even to carry His sandals. Have I repented like that, or do I have a lingering thought of possibly trying to defend my actions? The reason God cannot come into my life is that I am not at the point of complete repentance.

"He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." John is not speaking here of the baptism of the Holy Spirit as an experience, but as a work performed by Jesus Christ. "He will baptize you . . . ." The only experience that those who are baptized with the Holy Spirit are ever conscious of is the experience of sensing their absolute unworthiness.

"I indeed" was this in the past, "but He" came and something miraculous happened. Get to the end of yourself where you can do nothing, but where He does everything.

And WOAH I just found a website where you can read this everyday (I think) and not even have to buy it! so now theres NO excuse :D

Have a good one!

Saturday, August 1, 2009


Have you ever felt like your life has started over again? Have you ever gone through a new season with God (or just of life) where it seems like you're going in a completely new direction?... Spiritually.. I am THERE right now. These past 3 months, and probably the few months leading up to them, have been a roller coaster of spiritual change for me. I have been at some of the lowest places in my life, dealing with some of the HARDEST things both in my life and the life of my family and friends. I've also come to realize some truths about God that have made me desire and yearn for Him more than I ever have in my life. Here are just some of the things that I've been dealing with and have learned:

Trials MUST come. Suffering IS for good.

I feel like I've kind of always known this in the back of my head, seeing the suffering of my family and how God has used it to shape their lives, but I feel for a while I was lured away to thinking that that all horrible things are straight from Satan and that a good God would not want them to happen. Oh how far from the truth that sounds now typing it out! Yes... I am a FIRM believer in the power of God to heal and to restore. I have a cousin who was healed of cancer! I also believe in praying for healing, but ALWAYS ending with the ultimate pleading for Gods will to be done before ours. I do not in any way think God allows pain and suffering (in all ways: emotional, spiritual and physical) because He enjoys it. I believe He allows it to occur to draw us nearer to Himself and to make us look more like Jesus! The evidence of this is found ALL over the Bible both in the Old and New Testaments. Just looking back at my life, its so extremely easy to realize this work. It was the times when I felt everything had been taken away and all the strength in myself and others have completely depleted that I can clearly see that the Almighty, Jesus is the only one I need or want! And that His GLORY surpasses all the other things that I attributed that glory to, before He took it all away. I'm seeing also that suffering MUST come in the Christian life, that we should NEVER, EVER come to a point where we believe we suffered enough or grown to be Christ-like enough. These are hard facts! But, OH how true I believe they are!

Salvation = Transformation

This one still blows my mind. I have began to receive all sorts of new insights on big issues dealing with my faith. I feel like I am just beginning to understand the basics of my faith! One of the most pivotal things I think that I have learned is that just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" does not mean that they truly are. And also I had to (and still do have to) take a really deep and hard look at my own life. What NEEDS to be thoroughly looked at in our lives are OUR FRUITS: what we do on a daily basis and what we truly desire. I should ask myself EVERY day about EVERY action, what is my purpose in this? Am I doing it to the glory of God? And if consistently the answer is no, then I need to truly ask God through the Holy Spirit to see if He has actually changed me. I feel like there are so many people that truly believe that they are saved from their sins just because they prayed a prayer one time in their life. I now know that a prayer CANNOT save you... in the LEAST. ONLY by the power if God the Holy Spirit can you be saved. And, here's the deal, if you are really saved: THERE WILL BEGIN TO BE A CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE, not just in your heart, but daily in the way you live out your life. You will begin to desire things that are NOT of this world. The main verses that contest to this are Matthew 7:15-23
15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but
inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do
people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every
good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot
bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does
not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit
you will recognize them.
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will
enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is
in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy
in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'
23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you

These word have begun to really shake me. They have scared me but I believe they have also saved my life. No... I do NOT believe in any way what-so-ever that works have saved my life or can save any ones life in any way. But I DO BELIEVE that if the work of the Mighty King of Glory JESUS CHRIST has truly SAVED a person, that they CANNOT be the same again. They will not become perfect all of the sudden or ever stop sinning, but they will never be the same and they will CONTINUE changing. And PRAISE GOD FOR THIS!!! I am so glad my eyes have been open to this AMAZING truth! This makes the cross and the glory and purpose of God, SO much more powerful. Praise Him!

The thing I think I've learn the most is... just how much I don't know anything!..... Just how much there is still to learn about our great God... and just... how gracious He is to us... He is SO gracious guys... we need to STOP allowing ourselves to be blinded by our circumstances and our culture... We need to recognize what real truth is... and spend our times dwelling/thinking about/meditating on those things

P.S. Guess what... God willing... I'm going to Israel for 2 weeks in February :D

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Frank Gonzales

Was looking up some refrence pictures on google when I found this guy Frank Gonzales

Really interesting stuff



Monday, July 6, 2009

Notes From God

Just a few things Hes been teaching me lately

There are definate seasons/periods/whatever else you want to call it in life. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow. But He never stops teaching us. Ask for understanding

If you feel defeated by sin, if you feel sluggish, if you feel unuseful, if you feel lonely ect... SERVE. Its this new way about the new Kingdom. It feels conterintuitive at first, but the breath thats breathed anew in yours and the people you are helpings lives is pretty incredible

But... its also ok to just rest. You can still be serving God by just sitting in the knowledge of Him

God is the God of the millionth chance

Be aware of sin in your life. Ask God to reveal just how aweful and monsterous sin is. It feels good to just plain HATE your sin.

See blessing. Accept it. Praise Him for it. Yes, you have it. Everywhere you look. Ask for eyes to see it.

If you think God is asking you to give up something that is an extraneous time waster that is not bringing you closer to Him, it probably is Him who's talking to you. Just start giving it up and ask God what to do with the extra time. You'll be suprised.

Don't be preachy. Don't EVER think you know it all. View everyone on the same level and a little higher than yourself.

Do expect change in yourself, but don't expect it to come fast

God WILL work things out. Even when and especially when you can't see it yet

The only good in you is not from you at all. And that is the same with everyone else

The Spirit of God is so powerful and GOOD. Ask Jesus for Him to come more often

ONE DAY AT A TIME. Dream big, but don't plan. Be ok if His dream for you is even bigger or (on the outside) smaller than your own

Endless struggle WILL END, there will come times when litterally all you can do is hold on to your Father... when we are there, usually deliverance is about to come

Be patient with yourself when learning patience... obviously

Let yourself get excited sometimes, the joy of the Lord is your strength

Find your comfort in scripture and likeminded individuals when you feel like you're the only one

A Day is coming when we'll see Him... think about that more often

Oh and you should watch this and the other two as well. I love the DCB :) Guess whats in two weeksyeah its CREATION!


Monday, June 22, 2009

10 Things That Have Really Blessed Me Lately

I plan on co-leading 2 Bible studies starting in July on the book of Romans (so if any of you are in Quincy then, come on over! :). I've been these wonderful online Bible resources that have been SO extremely helpful in me being able to really unlock all of the truth in Gods word.. especially Romans. I have learned more about Gods grace in the past couple of days then I think I have my entire life! God is so much bigger and in control and powerful than we can even realize. Its also really started me thinking about the dichotomy of human responsibility and God's omnipotent power... something I don't think anyone will be able to fully figure out.

2. Phil Wickham
I've known about Phil for about a year now, but just recently his music has been very impactful on my life. I feel like when listening to his music you are taking a peek at deep, personal conversation he is having with his Creator that he invites us all to join in on! Hes coming out with a new CD at the beginning of September (which I CANT wait for!). He has posted a video of himself playing one of his new songs on YouTube, which has really touched my spirit and I'm sure has touched many others as well:

3. Family
This past school year has been one of the best and at the same time most difficult years that I've had in a long long time. By the end of finals week I was running on practically empty in many ways: emotionally, spiritually and ESPECIALLY physically. Though it has been tough getting over some things and readjusting to the nothing-to-do-ness of Quincy, it has been like a breath of fresh air to come and pray with my family again, tell people that I love them all the time (comfortably ;), be able to laugh hysterically at things only we think are funny.. its just been.. well its been pretty swell :)

4. My Guitar
A new passion I've discovered...
5. Sufjan Stevens
Though hes been around for a while, I've only really discovered him this year, and I am SO glad I have! He has opened me up to a whole new style of music that is truly beautiful, interesting and inspiring. Its pretty sweet.

6. Godly Pastors (and their blogs)
I have been SO blessed by many pastors I've been able to see this year. One which came to my church last week was a huge blessing in my life, his name was Adam, he pastors a church in Cashmere and head up the Rock Solid conferences. His sermon at my church was helpful in SO many crazy ways!! I'll give you some quotes from my notes on what he said, "Gods self exaltation is what is needed to root out our own selfishness. Joy is most fully experienced when God is the object of our praise, we are loved as we are lost in the wonder of God. God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him. The essence of true Christian worship is God being exalted." Here are also 10 points he had (I cant remember what the points were for... but they're still good!)1. God is after the heart 2. Without right thinking & doctrine, you cant be saved 3. Right thinking is found in knowledge & fuels worship 4. Engaging your mind is an essential factor to the greatest commandment 5. Fighting to set your mind on the things of God is evidence of Gods work 6. We are threatened terrible things if we don't exercise our minds 7. The Lord will hold us accountable for thinking wrong of Him 8. Jesus will rebuke us for thinking mans thoughts, not His thoughts 9. Without applying your mind you wont see the foolishness of man & truth of God 10. Engaging the mind is essential to over coming sin. Also another pastor that has made a big difference in my mind is Richard Dahlstrom. You can find his blog here. :)

7. Knowing talented people/Having talented friends
The amount of talented people I've met let alone been able to work with this year is CRAZY!! Alot of them being (or are turning into) some of my dearest friends

Just to name a small few:

Lisa Hammond
Moorea Seal
Blaze Bratcher
Jonathan Shaw
Taylor Neal

Speaking of Taylor Neal, there is a song of his he wrote for a music project with my school called The Kingdom and the Gospel and the lyrics at the end of the song have really touched my heart recently:

Tell Him all your grief, Tell Him all your sin
He'll give half His robe, just to wrap you in

Give Him both your hands, give Him all your heart
He'll give all His robe, to hold off the dark

If you're scared to pray, and you're fast in bed
He will pull you out, to anoint your head

If your hope is gone, and your thoughts aren't yours
He will touch your face, He will make you pure

He who made your hair, He who made your feet
He has made you whole, He has made your sheets

He will take your arm, He will strip you bare
He will take your hand, He will drees you fair

And... who can forget :)

Holly Starr

8. Friends
More like siblings... I have not realized how deeply and richly God has blessed me with some of the friendship that God has brought into my life. I feel like this year, I have seen visibly this year the kingdom of Heaven! God has shown me some of the attributes of Himself that I've never seen before through them! So THANK YOU! Thank you God... :)

9. My Cat
I know it sounds pretty ridiculous, but when you've had a pet your whole life and go without one for a while, you forget what great companions they are... iluvskippy :)

10. My Utmost For His Highest
To put it plainly, BUY IT
Here's the entry for June 19th:
"Jesus did not say to make converts to your way of thinking, but He said to look after His sheep, to see that they get nourished in the knowledge of Him. We consider what we do in the way of Christian work as service, yet Jesus Christ calls service to be what we are to Him, not what we do for Him. Discipleship is based solely on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on following after a particular belief or doctrine. "If anyone comes to Me and does not hate..., he cannot be My disciple" (Luke 14:26). In this verse, there is no argument and no pressure from Jesus to follow Him; He is simply saying, in effect, "If you want to be My disciple, you must be devoted solely to Me." A person touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says, "Now I see who Jesus is!"- that is the source of devotion. Today we have substituted doctrinal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many people are devoted to causes and so few are devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not really want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is deeply offensive to the educated minds of today, to those who only want Him to be their Friend, and who are unwilling to accept Him in any other way. Our Lord's primary obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of people- the saving of people was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted solely to the cause of humanity, I will soon be exhausted and come to the point where my love will waver and stumble. But if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity, even though people may treat me like a "doormat." The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of that life is its seeming insignificance and its meekness. Yet it is like a grain of wheat that "falls into the ground and dies"- it will spring up and change the entire landscape (John 12:24)

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Something Lighthearted for Once...

First for a life update

God is so good.. and I'm so evil
He has blessed me and has been a blessing to others through me in innumerable ways the past few days, all blessings that I'm not even close to being good enough to receive. Though i feel I'm still figuring everything out, i am so confident in Gods power.

On another note

I'm going to share with you some of the funniest things I've ever read. little known fact about me, i think stories made up by kids, with their weird ideas and really bad grammar & spelling, are the funniest things ever. Here are some stories that my sister wrote when she was about 8 years old. I'm going to keep her spelling and everything how it is written as much as i can.

This ones called..... The glob who moved to a tree

Once there was a glop that quickly mooved to a green tree today. He was a good jumproper and he could draw furry picture nicley and he could slowly think up big stones in his mind. He slowly rode a gray whale at the blue ocean. He even grew orange carrots in one day. He was very small. He quickly wished and still wished and he became very tall. He could play with a round basketball very well. He said I realy am vice with pretty cats. Suddenly he got a pretty cat. Then He went out nicely of his beautiful tree with his pretty cat. He went away quickley.
The End

This was another assignment... I'm not quite sure what the purpose was for it...

I have a yellow cat
I have normal hands
I have gray pants
I have blond hair
I have smoove close.
My cat is smoove.
I seen my cat eat like a big hog.
He sharpens his claws on the smoove soffa.
And he sleeps like a groovy cat.

I hope you enjoyed thoes as much as I have :D

Monday, June 8, 2009


Today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest has spoken volumes to me and to the spiritual plateau I've been experiencing. I'm going to share it with you and italicize points that I'll talk about

Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get our past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself- begin to have spiritual discernment.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more.

The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfill your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2. It is much better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than it is to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. "Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice..." (1 Samuel 15:22). Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been. "If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know..." (John 7:17)

I feel like this needs to be preached in every church all the time. I know that it is a huge struggle of mine, if not one of the biggest struggles, and I am sure it is for many other people, simply knowing Gods voice and just obeying it. Isnt that what life is suppose to be anyway? Being in such a pure unfiltered relationship with God that we can clearly hear and know His voice? I guess the thing that he kind of left out is what to do if you find yourself in that place. He says what not to do (which is something I do all the time and have completely fooled myself into thinking that it is the right thing to do) which is making your own situation to look like you are obeying them. But I think, and I could be wrong, the thing that I am going to try to do is to simply just spend more time with my Father. And when I say time I'm not going to include in that the time it takes me to settle my thoughts down or the time when I think Im praying but really my mind wanders to other places (side note: I have grown to love so very much the hymn Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, isnt it so insanely true??? More than anything right now I have realized how prone to wander I am and how I can really feel that) I hope to take a larger chunk out of my day that usual to spend with God, really trying to listen to Him. And probably the biggest thing Im going to try to do is NEVER GIVE UP. I listened to a wonderful sermon by my Seattle pastor the other day and he talked about how we all get into a place where we become content with being in the "shallows" spiritaully and where we cant look past our own circumstances. And when we realize we are in that place and we truly want to change we get discouraged because at first it seems like we cant. Something that he said next is something that I've heard before throughout my life but am so happy to hear again every time I hear it is that WE ARE HUMAN we WILL mess up! God has and will continue changing us but it doesnt happen overnight. So if we mess up we must soon realize we did and come right back to our Fathers arms and continue again, never letting ourselves give up. Then when we continue doing that God WILL give us the strenght to obey and discernment comes! I never fully realized that that is where discernement is grown, in simple obediences. How beautiful!

Everyone say a prayer for every college student you know right now... we need it! (aka finals)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Pause for Contemplation or Word Vomit: Your Choice

Been thinking about many different things just recently....

All the personal emotional struggles I've had this year
All the struggles/wonderful things my family has gone through recently
My future
How I've grown
Other peoples ideas and growth through their lives
How fatal and impactful and real pain is not only in individual lives but in the world as a whole
How instinctively prone to harming ourselves and other we really are
How I am the MOST prone to that
How so far away and silent God seems at times
How much closer God is to me than my very flesh at times
Just starting to scratch the outer surface of how enormous Grace is
How there is no hope... at all in politics, money and especially people
How its so true that there is a great Evil at work in the world today
Figuring out just much I am not suppose to be secure in anything earthly and just scratching the surface of how fully and utterly I NEED to be secure in the promises of the Almighty
How truly I am needing/experiencing discipline
Realizing the width and the breadth of Gods love so much the point that it hurts
Realizing deeper than I ever have before my own depravity
Realizing deeper than I ever have before God's sufficiency
Being terrified and worried about the future
Being excited and at peace about the future
Starting to see and understand how much I love/have received love from the very important people in my life
Seeing that all of that love is really God
(One of my favorites) Seeing that one big thing God is is a Storyteller
Seeing the influence of art not only on my life but on everyones (in all its forms)
Seeing just how deep of a need there is in places like Africa
Really loving my friends and family
Realizing how truly I have not figured it out at all
Being surprisingly contented there, knowing that I know the One who does

Discovering I might have ADHD...... that ones a joke :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I Timothy 1:15-17

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

I am so sinfull

And I dont even notice it.

I overlook my own faults and focus on the faults of others and wonder why my conscious feels so heavy laden.

God blesses me with an over abundance of all I need and I cant even give Him full gratitude because the one thing I think I need He has not given me yet.

Instead of being able to fully pour myself into other peoples lives and encourage them I'm here having a personal pity party.

Sometimes I really dont know why I'm here, why I feel a call, though somewhat unspecific but definatly a call, on my life and why God has chosen to save me. Now, probably more than I ever have in my entire existance am realizing just how truley and beautifully God has blessed me and to what great extent I do NOT deserve any of it.

Oh how confident I am however.. in the power of God the Father, through His Son Jesus Christ by His Holy Spirit

Praise God for Himself

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Cool Graffiti

My final painting is going to involve some graffiti elements so I was scowering the internet for common visual elements in graffiti. I found this website with someones top 30 examples of good graffiti. I'll show you my favorites of their favorites :D

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

"My yoke is easy... My burden is light"

Just had another epiphany moment with God today.

I've been really struggling recently with something that I've been bothered with my entire life which I guess I'll just tell you... wanting to be in a relationship. Its really annoying to me because it seems like whenever I come to a point of clarity and peace about a problem, Satan throws another one in right after it. The one thing that is most discouraging to me is the amount of time i spend in thought about my stupid problems. And yes, I know, alot of people tell me that its normal for me to be feeling this way and having this desire for someone else to be in my life. But something I've been trying to figure out recently is if God has intended for me to be single my entire life. Because that is something that He does occasionally with people. When I think about this for too long i begin feeling despair and hopelessness, that I will never get what I truly desire.

This morning when I went to pray I laid out my worry again before God, trying to constantly bring every thought that was not about Him to Him. I then was so frustrated with my inability, weakness and sin that cried out to God, "Please help me, i cant do this anymore" God brought to mind something strange. I pictured myself with 3 of my best friends and brother/sisters in Christ. We are all extremely close to one another and treat each other as siblings, including our one guy friend. I sighed and realized that is how it will be in the fully realized kingdom of God, we will all be children to the same Father and we will ALL be the bride to one Bridegroom. It was beautiful. All brokenness, loneliness and pain will be no more. We will have perfect community with our Creator and each other. Things will at last be how they should. So if i should receive that type of intimacy on earth or have to wait to receive it after, for that moment I was content in knowing that my Father knew the answer. For a moment i realized that He is the ONLY one who can truly fulfill any of the desires that I have. He is my Father, Brother and true Lover.

Though for now I feel I am at a point of clarity, and my soul is light once more, I recognize that I am not fully there yet and that i may again be clouded by the enemy's lies. BUT.... something that has stayed the same throughout my whole life is the constancy of God. Though i am untrustworthy, He is all powerful, all knowing, transcending God. And really at the end of the day it doesn't matter a stitch what I want or what happens to me at all as long as HE is Glorified.

I feel these words are so very true and power full and need to be heard more often,

"The moment we recognize our complete weakness and our dependence upon Him will be the very moment that the Spirit of God will exhibit His power." Oswald Chambers

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Dont Know, Just DO

I have seen a better way

and i am not in that way

I have seen a fuller life

and i am not living it

I have seen a more pure Country

and i am not really a citizen

Oh that we all may be humbled as i have just been humbled. I feel as if i have seen Jesus just a few minutes ago. I took a walk to under the Fremont bridge to pray. Halfway through my time i decided it would be good to go to another spot next time i did this, as probably close to 100 people at one time or another passed by. But i was placed there for a reason today. The thing i've struggled with the most spiritualy the past while and really through most of my walk with Christ is simply knowing His voice and obeying it when I hear Him tell me to do something. As I was praying on the bench I heard someone come up the little hill, I looked and it was an older, might be homeless looking man who nodded a few times at me, picked up some garbage off the ground to throw away sat down and sat down with his backback and thermus for lunch. I felt God telling me to offer a granola bar i had to him after i was done praying ( i have little post its on the bars with Matthew 28:20 on them). So i did that. He said no thanks and showed me the chicken and mashed potatoes that he got from the store and said he was waiting for his friend. He asked if i was from SPU and i said yes and he told me he knew alot of people from SPU and how he would get beer for some of them. He then began telling me all of these stories, one involving a girl who he gave a pot brownie to on accident before she went to class and how he saw a naked guy running around by where we were sitting. Then me, being my fallen and stuck up self, slowly tried to leave after listening to a few more stories. His name was Joe. After i finally left Joe i kept hearing "go back go back" in my head as i prayed and started to feel really conflicted and really wondering what i would say/ what i would do if i went back and just really struggling inwardly like i always do with everything when it comes to obeying God. As i gave in to my selfish self and kept waking i saw a black man laying on another bench without a shirt on and with lots of posessions with him and i thought he was sleeping. I was then going to leave a granola bar for him there but as i got closer he moved around so i saw he was awake. Since i was just battleing with God i must have felt the need to actually listen to His voice this time and went over and offered him the granola bar. He said he would like one then read what i had written on the little peice of paper. He couldnt read the bottom so i told him it was from Matthew and he said, "Oh then you're a Christian" I said yes so he began sharing with me all of these verses similar to the one i had written about Gods consistancy and how He is here yesterday today and forever. He then gave the verse where Jesus says that we will do even greater things then he did. He talked about how the verse that says if we said to a mountian move and it will be done is not talking litterally but figuratively. He gave the example of someone who is obsessed with sex and how when gives that to God, whenever a thought comes to tempt him, he can move that thought from his mind. He said that our God is bigger and more awesome than any bad thing we can come across. He said "I talked to God today and he said I should work on my tan!" He asked me if i knew the reference to some of the scriptures and i said i didnt. I got out the Bible that I carry around with me and said that he could have it to use for that. He said thank you very much to me not only for giving him the granola bar and Bible but that because I gave that to him, he intern will share it with others. After learning his name, Mr. Jones, told him to have a good day and enjoy his tan. As i walked off i began to weep, bitterly. All the way home i was crying, my heart too full with blessing from this man who is living it, living this life that i say that i am living but am actually not. See the pure and beautiful eyes of Jesus Christ in this man has made me realize how far off we are from what Jesus wants in this society. And I think we all know it. The love and knowledge of the Lovely One this man showed to me, a perfect stranger, is of SO much more value than the little candy bar with a verse on it that i was pridefully going to give to him *out of the kindness of my heart* we are SCUM...... and the people we view as SCUM got it more right than we will ever hope to get it. It is so true. Any missionary or field worker you will ever talk to will tell you it: there is SO much more the poor can give us than we can ever hope to give to them. ITS THE KINGDOM OF GOD. the last ARE first, the first ARE last! It is incredible to me to see this already healed shining glorious kingdom inside the eyes of this man Mr. Jones....

i... am SO... unworthy

my disobedience... to the simplest of request

I added Joe and Mr. Jones to my prayer list.... I find it incredible the little that I did for them out of the pridefulness of myself is just shattered to peices by the things I've learned from them from less then 10 minutes of conversation.

I hope and pray if i learned anything from this event..... is to just follow where God leads. to not worry even about the state of your own life... just follow.........just follow

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

How Glorious Our God!




By the sheer realiability of God... and His power, glory, presence... and everything else of course, but as of late, if He has proved Himself to be anything He has proved Himself FAITHFUL. I have fell into this hole time and time again, obsessing and wanting something now that God is asking me to wait till He gives it to me. I've been through this same situation MANY many times, thinking that I've learned it. "Next time, I will be faithful to you God. Whenever this distraction comes I'll just give it fully to You." And of course this time I thought I was doing that... not at all.
Something God has been teaching me this year not only through that situation but many others is PATIENCE. God is removed from time, He's above it. Every moment in time to Him is happening all the time. There is NO way we can understand that! BUT... with the power of the Holy Spirits life through us we are able to cope with the unknown of that. And I really think God was trying (and is still trying) to teach me that fact with putting me in situations that require me to be patient. Whats AWESOME about that is there was a point a few years ago durring my prayer time when I remember pleading with God to grow the gift of the Spirit patience within me.


and we are NOT.

Its so beautiful, God... how everything You've made and are about is so diverse, yet so interconnected... I cannot begin to understand how anyone would doubt Your existatnce.

Triune God... I THANK YOU... eternally... for your Grace-filled presence that has been near to me all day. There is not other way possible that I would have been able to deal with this let down in my life without it. And whats even more beautiful is that Your presence is THOUSANDS of times better, more fulfilling and more complete than anything I think I'm missing out on.

.-On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand-.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Some Sweet Illustrators

Last quarter I had to present a artist that I liked to the class... I wish I would have found these guys before then

Kei Acedera started her career at 16 doing murals for mansions and casinos. Shes worked with the New York Times, Sony, Disney and MANY other places. Heres some of her work:

Bobby Chiu started his career at 17 designing toys for Warner Bros., Disney and Star Wars. Here are a few of his peices:

Jason Seiler has worked for clients such as MAD and TIME magazines, Universal Pictures and New Line Cinemas. His are some of my favorites:

God BLESS you all!

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Isnt it funny how God brings us down to size?

I've been struggling alot recently... mostly with wanting things now instead of waiting for Gods timing. It seems like whenever I have one specific area I'm struggling in I seem to "do good" in most other areas, like I remember to be kind and help people and stuff like that. I then begin to see the sin of other people and think, "Wow... they really need God to help them. They are such sinners. At least I'm only dealing with this one little thing." Then... after God has helped me through the big problem... I go and screw up. I allow myself to be exposed to things that are not of God and I feel I'm too big and cool to help the poor........ Then... I come to God and am like


I've been learning more and more about theology this past year and a half. I've learned the different veiwpoints of all the great theologians. I've learned about Calvinism and Armenianism and the differences in what they believe. Its been interesting and thought-provoking. I've learned alot.............................................. however...

I'm a sinner

But I'm called to be a saint

I've messed up more times than I can count and I still mess up
But God has began to transform me. Not only my likes and dislikes but my very personality has began to take on change

All these things are absolute truths ... have I figured out the meanings of them yet?

not in the least.

Do I trust that God is bigger than all of my confussion and has a plan to work through a dirty, messed up sinner like me?

you becha'

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

First Try at This

So I want this to be a place to

1. Share what God has been sharing with me

2. Share cool art that I've found

3. Share...... other things

Its gunna be great....