"I've been to the mountain top.."

Man.

Haha, sometimes life just happens and I forget to record it on here. Things have changed so drastically in my life since I last came around here its rather comical. Blogging is such an interesting thing. Is it a private journal that people can see or is it something else? I'll have to blog about that later ;)

Anyway, so I quit grad school. Straight up quit. Haha! I was SO scared and unsure about that a couple of months ago. Ah, can I tell you? YHWH God is SO amazing! We can get so off track sometimes.. He is so GRACIOUS when we are O P E N to admitting that we were wrong AND changing our ways... He is the best thing ever guys!

So yeah,

Quit grad school, started volunteering again (deep exhale) at Quincy CTC Youth Coalition and Solomon's Porch! Both have brought me so much life! Even though they both can be exhausting and both have been going through major changes since the time I started volunteering with both, I can safety say that all the panic attack symptoms I was experiencing before, GONE!!! I am SO grateful to YHWH for that! As I've told many people before, I actually feel like I'm living my life again... haha! SO GOOD!!

And guess what... I actually went to San Francisco!!!!! The place I had felt called to for nearly 2 years... I was able to actually go last week with 2 of my FAVORITE people on the planet! Such a FUN trip! Got to serve some super cool people, now comes the part of digesting all that went on and deciphering the voice of God in it all

(Did I say yet how AWESOME Elohim is???)

SO...

All of this to say (and to make sense of the title of this blog)

I feel like the Almighty might have shown me something when climbing up a mountain in San Francisco (was SOO blessed to be able to do that!). A metaphor for Torah observance... and really just for life.

So as I was walking up one of the more strenuous parts of the mountain, I looked off into the distance at the BEAUTIFUL sight of the Bay Area. I looked at my feet as they were walking and took a little bit of time to rest. I've been told many a time that life is like a journey. I thought about the current journey that I was going on, up to the top of a mountain. I continued thinking, when we are born; we are innocent. Though we have the propensity to sin, there are so many things of evil that are completely foreign to us. I believe (at least at this point) that in some ways we are the closest to our Creator at the time of birth, freshly breathed over the breath of life from our Life-Giver. I then thought of Moses and one of my new favorite verses:

So the people stood at a distance, while Moses approached the thick cloud where God was
       Exodus 20:21

So if we are close to God when we're born, and if we just look at Exodus, in a way we can look at life as a mountain and the top of that mountain is YHWH. We start out around there and almost immediately book it down to the bottom of the mountain the super bottom. A crevasse, deep, dark and eternally away from even the foothills of the mountain. By the Blood of the Lamb we are put at the mountains base and we can again see where we belong, with our Creator on the mountain top! So we start our climb! The first while is really easy, beautiful and enjoyable, being able to see again what we were made for! Then the road gets rough, maybe there are a few different paths that need choosing to take, some of them easier, some of them more difficult but could put you at a closer place, some of them leading back down to the crevasse out of need for comfort of what is "familiar". You see people heading both up and down the mountain, some people stopped, taking a pause at where they are at, some people setting up camp there...

This analogy could really go all over the place and maybe its not completely accurate, but it sort of help me understand my walk with YHWH a little bit better especially when it comes to keeping His mitzvot. Instead of viewing the Torah/commandments as this looming list of do's and don'ts it helps to view it as a journey that aids in your breathing and living relationship with the Father. Not by ANY means as a way of appeasing or making things right with the Father, but as a way of knowing Him, seeing what HE desires and considers a good path to walk.

I feel things shifting.

I really think my time in this little town I've called home for so long might be running short... Please pray for my family if you read this. My Aunt Glenda's health is waning and I feel there is spiritual and physical attack happening to my family because I also believe that YHWH has something AMAZING planned for ALL of them that might be coming soon...

We're in exciting/scary times. But as long as our faces are heading towards the Father by means of His Son, we can say along with Brother Martin,

"I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land!

And so I'm happy, tonight.

I'm not worried about anything.

I'm not fearing any man!

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!!"

 

 

Trekking up the hill

 

Mikey and a view from the top :)

 

The teacher let me use his computer :)

Subbing in advisory class is a great opportunity to blog :)

Realizing today I have had SO much in my mind recently... thoughts on God, what I believe about Him... what I've learned about Him the past few months (going to synagogue) the past year (during Mission Year) and my entire life (rediscovering entries in this blog)... I feel like I'm slowly being reminded that, as long as my desire is for more and more of the revelation of who God really is and how I can give my life to Him, live how Hes asked us to live, and seeking salvation from Him alone, that's a pretty great life. I struggle allot with wanting to know everything... and wanting to know the absolute truth about things, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but can quickly become a bad thing when knowing and proclaiming the truth is coming out of pride and control, things that I KNOW for a FACT are the OPPOSITE of Yeshuas character and God's desire for us to be... Everything with God and life is so dichomotic.. there are 2 extremes that are both the same or we have to somehow live in the the middle of them.... with so many things... law/grace... responsibility/Gods sovereignty... strength/weakness.... the list goes on.

King Solomon puts it so well...

Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh. The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God, and keep his commandments; for that is the whole duty of everyone. For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil.
       Ecclesiastes 12:12-14

There are SO many other things that have been on my mind as well that I don't have time to divulge fully of as well...

...marriage...
...kids...
...mentoring...
...volunteering...
...school...
...Seattle (how much I stinkin' miss it)...
...Houston (how much I stinkin' miss it)...
...humility...
...gratitude...
...music...

That the tip of the iceberg.... maybe I should do a blog entry on eacha those...

P.S. About to re-launch my website: www.lyndsayroyer.com checkr' out :)

Dead

Feel like I've been

battling

pushing

pulling

trying

slacking

sleeping

crying

failing

failing

failing...

for a while now... living the Christian life great for a while, then royally screwing it up. Trying hard to protect myself from messing up all the while making huge mistakes in other areas. Asking for Gods help but only sometimes taking it. All the time battling mean spirited untrue thoughts about people who are close to me... Then times when I'm so tired... ah.

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

A dear, dear friend of mines grandmother recently called me out of no where and laid much grace and mercy from God on me in a phone conversation when I was feeling so heavy and weighed down. She recommended (and gave) this book to me called "The Green Letters" by Miles J. Stanford which is about Christian maturity. Man, God is so sovereign... something I say non stop but... I can't get over it. This book has been speaking volumes to me about...myself. And more importantly about Christ. I need to realize, accept, and (haha) live daily in the fact that because of CHRIST


I'm dead,

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 

There was no hope for me, my flesh. So God came and I was crucified, 2,000 years ago. And me, my flesh needs to STAY in that tomb so that Jesus may live in this tent.

But I'm not going down easy I guess...

"Is it not time we allowed the Holy Spirit to get at the source, and cut off this stream of sins before they are committed? Is this not infinitely better than the wreckage caused by sin, even through confessed? When believers get sick and tired of spinning year after year in a spiritual squirrel cage- sinning, confessing, but then sinning again- they will be ready for God's answer to the source of sin, which is death to self, brought fourth from the completed work of the cross...I must recognize that the enemy within the camp- the flesh, the old nature, self, I, the old Adam- is a usurper. By faith I must reckon him to be in the place that God put him- crucified with Christ. I must realize that now my life is hid with Christ in God; that He is my life."   
The Green Letters

 All this to say I still haven't gotten it yet... but man... oh man do I believe... that God is a gracious God.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

It is ALL Him... all the time!


So while in the midst of this struggle of putting to death my self and allowing the Spirit free reign I find kindred spirits who seem to sing the same song :)

...Now What?

A pouring out of thoughts... (done with SPU almost done with college where is my life going thoughts)

I don't deserve these amazing blessings.

After telling my mom about how I was saying goodbye to a few of my closest friends from college and how we just couldn’t leave each other and a few of the things they told me before they left she got a little misty eyed. That night when we were all praying together she thanked God for giving me another family while I was at school. It was weird to hear...but she was right. The family God has made by His Sons blood and through His Spirit is real, imperfect still, but strong. Sometimes even stronger than human blood relationships.... I guess as Christians we really are blood related... the blood of Christ. He really did provide me with a few precious people I started to see as a "family" whether they feel like it or not :). You can’t help but bond with people when you're with them 24/7. I really believe I've grown to truly love some of my friends here... with a love that isn’t even from me. I know that it isn’t from me because I just so want the very best that God has for them.. even if that doesn’t involve me being in their lives. Some of these people truly become as close as siblings. What a beautiful, beautiful thing God's family is. If this strong of joy and affection can be felt among broken sinners, then how amazing can the True Love be from the Savior of our souls! Such an amazing thought. This love I have for these people has been so strong, even though only a few years before were complete strangers. That seems so crazy to me. The people with which I have been friends for years and years and years who I kind of count as family now I can not see them for a year and be reunited and (it feels so good... just kidding) it's like we were never apart. Then, the roommate I had for just 2 years who now lives somewhere else and whenever I see her it feels the exact same way. Again, I guess it’s the close proximity... sometimes too close proximity

Oh.... I'm still so much a sinner.


God has COMPLETELY changed the way I look at so many different things throughout my time at college: the way I view small details within the church, how I view pain, how I view gifts, how I view money, how I view boys, how I view humanity, how I view myself, even how I view Him. He (and ONLY He) has matured me so very much.... but yet I still hurt people... and probably a lot worse then I think I do.... I still struggle daily with selfish motives and desires and can be extremely rude and hurtful at times... I know this is informal and broad but if you're reading this now and I've hurt you in any way... I am so sorry. I can only pray that God heals up any wounds I've caused... by His grace I am confident that He is able to. Hopefully God can teach me through these mistakes so I can prevent further damage to other people.

It’s AAARRT!!


Though it was my major, to be honest I kind of came into college wanting to learn some stuff but then just really do ministry my whole life. I loved to draw (still do) but didn’t really know if I was good enough to do anything else. Little did I know that through learning the skills and tools of art and experiencing creation of the beautiful though the work of my fellow classmates that God would use art to help change my life. Art is so much bigger and more powerful then I ever expected... kinda like God Himself. Art isn’t just drawing or painting or something "pretty" or anything like that... it is those things to be sure but it is so much more. I believe true art is in a small or big way the recognition and visitation of the likeness of God in us. It leads to worship. Though I believe this can, and in many ways today is, taken and skewed in horrible and wrong ways, when art is made with the true Artist in mind the act of concept, making and enjoying art is all a great form of worship. I am so grateful that God has shown me over past couple of years through SPU some real deal artists. Some of which are my amazing professors, (Laura Lasworth, Roger Feldman, Gala Bent, Christen Mattix, Kayo Nakamura... just to name a few) and a few are Divinely gifted students, classmates and dear friends. Now that God has shown me all of this I wonder.... where is this going?

I had plans... I knew where You wanted me... or did I?


So I have a feeling that though I am a big confused now, I probably will end up where I always thought I was going to be.... but..... I really think I might be in other places first.... or not.... I’m both surprised and not about how truly unknowing I am about where I will end up next. I do have a short term plan (substitute here in Quincy, helping out my family and raising money for Israel) but after that... it’s so open. Not awfully open however... I truly feel like I need to keep a somewhat close distance between myself and my family. There are so many different passions growing in my heart for so many different things: my family, the homeless, the poorest of the poor, youth, youth in my home town, the lost, people who are lost who think they’re saved. I want to spread art, music, my time and energy. I want to spread the gospel. But what exactly I'll be doing... who I'll be doing what I'm doing with... where I'll be doing that thing... and for how long with... and who I will become.... are all BIG ?'s... But I sure do hope the answer to last question is more like Jesus Christ. Besides that... I think God is starting to make me more at ease about not knowing the answers to those yet.... Time… time is over... and it’s over again...and tomorrow... the next second.. it just passed... in a few minutes it'll be a new day and the minutes that I am occupying right now will be over... what will I have done in them. How much will I be making of God? How much of His hope will I be spilling out?... exceedingly more and more I do hope.

Oh Jesus... I thank You... I thank You. I have nothing... nothing but gratitude. You have truly given me all that I need. And oh God how I forget so... remind me... may I remind of myself of YOUR SACRIFICE every moment of everyday and glory in You... in Your Presence... in Your Peace... in the Hope of Your Glory and glorious plan for these people and this earth. You are truly everything... may I ever be reminded... Your grace really is enough...

May Gods grace always be enough for me

and you as well

be blessed my friends, He really is enough :)

What I Want To Do vs What I Actually Do

I want to:

PREACH THE GOSPEL! not ONLY with how I live my life but with words!! inspired words from the Holy Spirit filled with life and Jesus!!

feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take in the stranger, heal the sick, turn the other cheek, walk the second mile

pour out the jelous, exhausting, weighty, perfect, powerful, awful, big love of the Father to EVERYONE I meet... ESPECIALLY to thoes that hate and despise me

walk to my neighbors and just ask if I can share the gospel with them even if and ESPECIALLY because I think they will turn me down the first time

live C O U R A G E O U S L Y.... filled with the Spirit. Unafriad of what anyone can do to my body

count everything I have as loss

LIVE FOR CHRIST so that my dying will be all gain

have one lover my whole entire life...... Christ JESUS my Lord



What I actually do is:

My homework like a good little privaleged college student

Ignore the voice of God in my head that whispers (and sometimes screams) for more of me

Lay on my nice comfortable bed while other spend the night on the cement as their souls are wasting away without knowledge of the saving gospel

Sit here writing this blog while people DIE without hearing the gospel

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Lord, save me from myself

LifeRightNow...

Have you ever felt like your life has started over again? Have you ever gone through a new season with God (or just of life) where it seems like you're going in a completely new direction?... Spiritually.. I am THERE right now. These past 3 months, and probably the few months leading up to them, have been a roller coaster of spiritual change for me. I have been at some of the lowest places in my life, dealing with some of the HARDEST things both in my life and the life of my family and friends. I've also come to realize some truths about God that have made me desire and yearn for Him more than I ever have in my life. Here are just some of the things that I've been dealing with and have learned:

Trials MUST come. Suffering IS for good.

I feel like I've kind of always known this in the back of my head, seeing the suffering of my family and how God has used it to shape their lives, but I feel for a while I was lured away to thinking that that all horrible things are straight from Satan and that a good God would not want them to happen. Oh how far from the truth that sounds now typing it out! Yes... I am a FIRM believer in the power of God to heal and to restore. I have a cousin who was healed of cancer! I also believe in praying for healing, but ALWAYS ending with the ultimate pleading for Gods will to be done before ours. I do not in any way think God allows pain and suffering (in all ways: emotional, spiritual and physical) because He enjoys it. I believe He allows it to occur to draw us nearer to Himself and to make us look more like Jesus! The evidence of this is found ALL over the Bible both in the Old and New Testaments. Just looking back at my life, its so extremely easy to realize this work. It was the times when I felt everything had been taken away and all the strength in myself and others have completely depleted that I can clearly see that the Almighty, Jesus is the only one I need or want! And that His GLORY surpasses all the other things that I attributed that glory to, before He took it all away. I'm seeing also that suffering MUST come in the Christian life, that we should NEVER, EVER come to a point where we believe we suffered enough or grown to be Christ-like enough. These are hard facts! But, OH how true I believe they are!

Salvation = Transformation


This one still blows my mind. I have began to receive all sorts of new insights on big issues dealing with my faith. I feel like I am just beginning to understand the basics of my faith! One of the most pivotal things I think that I have learned is that just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" does not mean that they truly are. And also I had to (and still do have to) take a really deep and hard look at my own life. What NEEDS to be thoroughly looked at in our lives are OUR FRUITS: what we do on a daily basis and what we truly desire. I should ask myself EVERY day about EVERY action, what is my purpose in this? Am I doing it to the glory of God? And if consistently the answer is no, then I need to truly ask God through the Holy Spirit to see if He has actually changed me. I feel like there are so many people that truly believe that they are saved from their sins just because they prayed a prayer one time in their life. I now know that a prayer CANNOT save you... in the LEAST. ONLY by the power if God the Holy Spirit can you be saved. And, here's the deal, if you are really saved: THERE WILL BEGIN TO BE A CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE, not just in your heart, but daily in the way you live out your life. You will begin to desire things that are NOT of this world. The main verses that contest to this are Matthew 7:15-23

15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but
inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do
people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every
good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot
bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does
not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit
you will recognize them.
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will
enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is
in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy
in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'
23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you
evildoers!'

These word have begun to really shake me. They have scared me but I believe they have also saved my life. No... I do NOT believe in any way what-so-ever that works have saved my life or can save any ones life in any way. But I DO BELIEVE that if the work of the Mighty King of Glory JESUS CHRIST has truly SAVED a person, that they CANNOT be the same again. They will not become perfect all of the sudden or ever stop sinning, but they will never be the same and they will CONTINUE changing. And PRAISE GOD FOR THIS!!! I am so glad my eyes have been open to this AMAZING truth! This makes the cross and the glory and purpose of God, SO much more powerful. Praise Him!

The thing I think I've learn the most is... just how much I don't know anything!..... Just how much there is still to learn about our great God... and just... how gracious He is to us... He is SO gracious guys... we need to STOP allowing ourselves to be blinded by our circumstances and our culture... We need to recognize what real truth is... and spend our times dwelling/thinking about/meditating on those things

P.S. Guess what... God willing... I'm going to Israel for 2 weeks in February :D

Discernment

Today's entry in My Utmost for His Highest has spoken volumes to me and to the spiritual plateau I've been experiencing. I'm going to share it with you and italicize points that I'll talk about

Be determined to know more than others. If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get our past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself- begin to have spiritual discernment.

When you know that you should do something and you do it, immediately you know more. Examine where you have become sluggish, where you began losing interest spiritually, and you will find that it goes back to a point where you did not do something you knew you should do. You did not do it because there seemed to be no immediate call to do it. But now you have no insight or discernment, and at a time of crisis you are spiritually distracted instead of spiritually self controlled. It is a dangerous thing to refuse to continue learning and knowing more.

The counterfeit of obedience is a state of mind in which you create your own opportunities to sacrifice yourself, and your zeal and enthusiasm are mistaken for discernment. It is easier to sacrifice yourself than to fulfill your spiritual destiny, which is stated in Romans 12:1-2. It is much better to fulfill the purpose of God in your life by discerning His will than it is to perform great acts of self-sacrifice. "Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice..." (1 Samuel 15:22). Beware of paying attention or going back to what you once were, when God wants you to be something that you have never been. "If anyone wills to do His will, he shall know..." (John 7:17)

I feel like this needs to be preached in every church all the time. I know that it is a huge struggle of mine, if not one of the biggest struggles, and I am sure it is for many other people, simply knowing Gods voice and just obeying it. Isnt that what life is suppose to be anyway? Being in such a pure unfiltered relationship with God that we can clearly hear and know His voice? I guess the thing that he kind of left out is what to do if you find yourself in that place. He says what not to do (which is something I do all the time and have completely fooled myself into thinking that it is the right thing to do) which is making your own situation to look like you are obeying them. But I think, and I could be wrong, the thing that I am going to try to do is to simply just spend more time with my Father. And when I say time I'm not going to include in that the time it takes me to settle my thoughts down or the time when I think Im praying but really my mind wanders to other places (side note: I have grown to love so very much the hymn Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, isnt it so insanely true??? More than anything right now I have realized how prone to wander I am and how I can really feel that) I hope to take a larger chunk out of my day that usual to spend with God, really trying to listen to Him. And probably the biggest thing Im going to try to do is NEVER GIVE UP. I listened to a wonderful sermon by my Seattle pastor the other day and he talked about how we all get into a place where we become content with being in the "shallows" spiritaully and where we cant look past our own circumstances. And when we realize we are in that place and we truly want to change we get discouraged because at first it seems like we cant. Something that he said next is something that I've heard before throughout my life but am so happy to hear again every time I hear it is that WE ARE HUMAN we WILL mess up! God has and will continue changing us but it doesnt happen overnight. So if we mess up we must soon realize we did and come right back to our Fathers arms and continue again, never letting ourselves give up. Then when we continue doing that God WILL give us the strenght to obey and discernment comes! I never fully realized that that is where discernement is grown, in simple obediences. How beautiful!

Everyone say a prayer for every college student you know right now... we need it! (aka finals)

Pause for Contemplation or Word Vomit: Your Choice

Been thinking about many different things just recently....

All the personal emotional struggles I've had this year
All the struggles/wonderful things my family has gone through recently
My future
How I've grown
Other peoples ideas and growth through their lives
How fatal and impactful and real pain is not only in individual lives but in the world as a whole
How instinctively prone to harming ourselves and other we really are
How I am the MOST prone to that
How so far away and silent God seems at times
How much closer God is to me than my very flesh at times
Just starting to scratch the outer surface of how enormous Grace is
How there is no hope... at all in politics, money and especially people
How its so true that there is a great Evil at work in the world today
Figuring out just much I am not suppose to be secure in anything earthly and just scratching the surface of how fully and utterly I NEED to be secure in the promises of the Almighty
How truly I am needing/experiencing discipline
Realizing the width and the breadth of Gods love so much the point that it hurts
Realizing deeper than I ever have before my own depravity
Realizing deeper than I ever have before God's sufficiency
Being terrified and worried about the future
Being excited and at peace about the future
Starting to see and understand how much I love/have received love from the very important people in my life
Seeing that all of that love is really God
(One of my favorites) Seeing that one big thing God is is a Storyteller
Seeing the influence of art not only on my life but on everyones (in all its forms)
Seeing just how deep of a need there is in places like Africa
Really loving my friends and family
Realizing how truly I have not figured it out at all
Being surprisingly contented there, knowing that I know the One who does

Discovering I might have ADHD...... that ones a joke :)

I Timothy 1:15-17

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

I am so sinfull

And I dont even notice it.

I overlook my own faults and focus on the faults of others and wonder why my conscious feels so heavy laden.

God blesses me with an over abundance of all I need and I cant even give Him full gratitude because the one thing I think I need He has not given me yet.

Instead of being able to fully pour myself into other peoples lives and encourage them I'm here having a personal pity party.


Sometimes I really dont know why I'm here, why I feel a call, though somewhat unspecific but definatly a call, on my life and why God has chosen to save me. Now, probably more than I ever have in my entire existance am realizing just how truley and beautifully God has blessed me and to what great extent I do NOT deserve any of it.

Oh how confident I am however.. in the power of God the Father, through His Son Jesus Christ by His Holy Spirit


Praise God for Himself