Friday, December 11, 2009

...Now What?

A pouring out of thoughts... (done with SPU almost done with college where is my life going thoughts)

I don't deserve these amazing blessings.

After telling my mom about how I was saying goodbye to a few of my closest friends from college and how we just couldn’t leave each other and a few of the things they told me before they left she got a little misty eyed. That night when we were all praying together she thanked God for giving me another family while I was at school. It was weird to hear...but she was right. The family God has made by His Sons blood and through His Spirit is real, imperfect still, but strong. Sometimes even stronger than human blood relationships.... I guess as Christians we really are blood related... the blood of Christ. He really did provide me with a few precious people I started to see as a "family" whether they feel like it or not :). You can’t help but bond with people when you're with them 24/7. I really believe I've grown to truly love some of my friends here... with a love that isn’t even from me. I know that it isn’t from me because I just so want the very best that God has for them.. even if that doesn’t involve me being in their lives. Some of these people truly become as close as siblings. What a beautiful, beautiful thing God's family is. If this strong of joy and affection can be felt among broken sinners, then how amazing can the True Love be from the Savior of our souls! Such an amazing thought. This love I have for these people has been so strong, even though only a few years before were complete strangers. That seems so crazy to me. The people with which I have been friends for years and years and years who I kind of count as family now I can not see them for a year and be reunited and (it feels so good... just kidding) it's like we were never apart. Then, the roommate I had for just 2 years who now lives somewhere else and whenever I see her it feels the exact same way. Again, I guess it’s the close proximity... sometimes too close proximity

Oh.... I'm still so much a sinner.

God has COMPLETELY changed the way I look at so many different things throughout my time at college: the way I view small details within the church, how I view pain, how I view gifts, how I view money, how I view boys, how I view humanity, how I view myself, even how I view Him. He (and ONLY He) has matured me so very much.... but yet I still hurt people... and probably a lot worse then I think I do.... I still struggle daily with selfish motives and desires and can be extremely rude and hurtful at times... I know this is informal and broad but if you're reading this now and I've hurt you in any way... I am so sorry. I can only pray that God heals up any wounds I've caused... by His grace I am confident that He is able to. Hopefully God can teach me through these mistakes so I can prevent further damage to other people.


Though it was my major, to be honest I kind of came into college wanting to learn some stuff but then just really do ministry my whole life. I loved to draw (still do) but didn’t really know if I was good enough to do anything else. Little did I know that through learning the skills and tools of art and experiencing creation of the beautiful though the work of my fellow classmates that God would use art to help change my life. Art is so much bigger and more powerful then I ever expected... kinda like God Himself. Art isn’t just drawing or painting or something "pretty" or anything like that... it is those things to be sure but it is so much more. I believe true art is in a small or big way the recognition and visitation of the likeness of God in us. It leads to worship. Though I believe this can, and in many ways today is, taken and skewed in horrible and wrong ways, when art is made with the true Artist in mind the act of concept, making and enjoying art is all a great form of worship. I am so grateful that God has shown me over past couple of years through SPU some real deal artists. Some of which are my amazing professors, (Laura Lasworth, Roger Feldman, Gala Bent, Christen Mattix, Kayo Nakamura... just to name a few) and a few are Divinely gifted students, classmates and dear friends. Now that God has shown me all of this I wonder.... where is this going?

I had plans... I knew where You wanted me... or did I?

So I have a feeling that though I am a big confused now, I probably will end up where I always thought I was going to be.... but..... I really think I might be in other places first.... or not.... I’m both surprised and not about how truly unknowing I am about where I will end up next. I do have a short term plan (substitute here in Quincy, helping out my family and raising money for Israel) but after that... it’s so open. Not awfully open however... I truly feel like I need to keep a somewhat close distance between myself and my family. There are so many different passions growing in my heart for so many different things: my family, the homeless, the poorest of the poor, youth, youth in my home town, the lost, people who are lost who think they’re saved. I want to spread art, music, my time and energy. I want to spread the gospel. But what exactly I'll be doing... who I'll be doing what I'm doing with... where I'll be doing that thing... and for how long with... and who I will become.... are all BIG ?'s... But I sure do hope the answer to last question is more like Jesus Christ. Besides that... I think God is starting to make me more at ease about not knowing the answers to those yet.... Time… time is over... and it’s over again...and tomorrow... the next second.. it just passed... in a few minutes it'll be a new day and the minutes that I am occupying right now will be over... what will I have done in them. How much will I be making of God? How much of His hope will I be spilling out?... exceedingly more and more I do hope.

Oh Jesus... I thank You... I thank You. I have nothing... nothing but gratitude. You have truly given me all that I need. And oh God how I forget so... remind me... may I remind of myself of YOUR SACRIFICE every moment of everyday and glory in You... in Your Presence... in Your Peace... in the Hope of Your Glory and glorious plan for these people and this earth. You are truly everything... may I ever be reminded... Your grace really is enough...

May Gods grace always be enough for me

and you as well

be blessed my friends, He really is enough :)