What our hearts do with delay

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,    but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I think we all experience seasons of life where we feel our hope being deferred. And for those of you who are there now, when you really think about it, in a sense we're all there at one point or another.

Its so easy when waiting on God to slip into self pity and doubt; especially when glimpses of the realization of what we are waiting for come and when it seems the expectation is about to be fulfilled - it slips away, remaining elusive. Growth. Progress. Visualize. We in the West are such a driven people, sometimes (maybe a lot of times) to a fault.

I really thought I got a pretty secure date of departure for leaving to PNG, then I found out I notarized some paperwork incorrectly and need to resubmit it which takes another 2 weeks to send not counting the time it will take to process on arrival.

So I teared up a bit. My heart has definitely felt flu-ish for a while now.

Yet I can feel YAH my Creator keep desperately calling me to hang on... to cling white knuckles to Him alone. He beckons for my attention, He is a jealous GOD (Exodus 34:14). But not jealous because of stuck-up pride. He is jealous for glory because He deserves all glory. He deserves ALL our attention. HE deserves to be our hope - not what He can give us, do to us, do through us, give to us...

HE needs has to be the TOTAL and COMPLETE sole object of our affections, vision and purpose.  Because when He is, we are complete - lacking nothing (James 1:4)

My weariness has caused distraction. I should never let my situation, no matter how intense/boring/exciting/expectant/horrific it is move me. Oh that my eyes were like Yeshua's who, though fully experienced all human emotions, pains, trials and circumstances; was not moved by them.

For His eyes were fixed not on what is seen, but what is Unseen (2 Corinthians 4:18)



Ok so my new favorite band is United Pursuit for like 1 billion reasons. It is incredible how my tastes have changed recently when it comes to music, all I really want to listen to is worship. Anyway, I have anticipated their new album for about a month now and it just released yesterday. I was not disappointed. Then this song happened. I've never experienced a song that I felt, to this extent, sings simultaneously what my heart is currently saying and what my heart longs to say with complete conviction (the following italics, bolding an underlining are mine):

Hidden feat. Will Regan

There was one when I was young
Who knew my heart
He knew my sorrow
He held my hand
And he lead me to trust him

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

As I grow
And as I change
May I love you more deeply
I will lean upon your grace
I will reap because your goodness is unending

You are my vision
My reason for living
Your kindness leads me to repentance
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend

The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory
The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

WOW

I am humbled to the floor.

This morning consisted of a very gulity prayer time for me... I was feeling Godly conviction but also demonic guilt over how I conducted myself the day prior. The one thing I feel I left with this morning that was of God was that what is MOST important is where you are RIGHT NOW with the Lord. Yes, you fall, have you gotton up. Yes you found out that you arent always right (a VERY good thing) so how are you going to change to be different the next time.

So I came in the house and checked my email and my mission support report (yes... it rhymes)

and this is the figure I found:

I need to raise $12,000 over the course of the whole year. The amount thats been given to me currently?

$9,739.87

My jaw... IT DROPPED! I was floored by the amount I had thought I had before I checked which was around 7K.... I had NO IDEA God was going to provide this fast for my need.....

A part of me screams out, "Why God? As You saw yesterday, I don't deserve this!!???"

But another part... a quite voice that is starting to get louder, "Its for His glory Lyndsay. He has made you worthy by the blood of Yeshua. Accept it as a child. Take on a heart of thankfulness toward God and toward the people He chooses to use"

So, if you've given to me, thank you from the bottom of my heart thank you. I'm praying blessings on your heart that you might on a deeper level know the person of God.

THANK YOU

Dead

Feel like I've been

battling

pushing

pulling

trying

slacking

sleeping

crying

failing

failing

failing...

for a while now... living the Christian life great for a while, then royally screwing it up. Trying hard to protect myself from messing up all the while making huge mistakes in other areas. Asking for Gods help but only sometimes taking it. All the time battling mean spirited untrue thoughts about people who are close to me... Then times when I'm so tired... ah.

O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

A dear, dear friend of mines grandmother recently called me out of no where and laid much grace and mercy from God on me in a phone conversation when I was feeling so heavy and weighed down. She recommended (and gave) this book to me called "The Green Letters" by Miles J. Stanford which is about Christian maturity. Man, God is so sovereign... something I say non stop but... I can't get over it. This book has been speaking volumes to me about...myself. And more importantly about Christ. I need to realize, accept, and (haha) live daily in the fact that because of CHRIST


I'm dead,

For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 

There was no hope for me, my flesh. So God came and I was crucified, 2,000 years ago. And me, my flesh needs to STAY in that tomb so that Jesus may live in this tent.

But I'm not going down easy I guess...

"Is it not time we allowed the Holy Spirit to get at the source, and cut off this stream of sins before they are committed? Is this not infinitely better than the wreckage caused by sin, even through confessed? When believers get sick and tired of spinning year after year in a spiritual squirrel cage- sinning, confessing, but then sinning again- they will be ready for God's answer to the source of sin, which is death to self, brought fourth from the completed work of the cross...I must recognize that the enemy within the camp- the flesh, the old nature, self, I, the old Adam- is a usurper. By faith I must reckon him to be in the place that God put him- crucified with Christ. I must realize that now my life is hid with Christ in God; that He is my life."   
The Green Letters

 All this to say I still haven't gotten it yet... but man... oh man do I believe... that God is a gracious God.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

It is ALL Him... all the time!


So while in the midst of this struggle of putting to death my self and allowing the Spirit free reign I find kindred spirits who seem to sing the same song :)