Faith, Doubt, Death and Cancer

I just finished bawling my eyes out.

About three or so years ago when I was on the popular social media site Tumblr, I heard about a little girl who was diagnosed with cancer. She was the daughter of Californian pastor Britt Merrick. I prayed for Daisy and would receive updates on her occasionally. After I got rid of my Tumblr, I would occasionally check up on a website the Merrick's made for Daisy's progress. I remember telling my mom a few times when I would find out that her cancer was in remission or when it had returned. I checked the website again after a long while of not checking it to find out that her condition had worsened greatly. I prayed for little Daisy when I heard it. I checked in about a week after that post to find out that she had died. I just finished watching her memorial service, you can find it here.

Cancer and death are such ugly things...

A close friend of my sisters best friend about a month ago was found to have committed suicide, with little to no indication of any depression problems.

 

A lady who has been like family to my family for many years was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. She had surgery today and will, God willing come home in around five days.

 

I received a call this morning from one of my dear neighbors in Houston to let me know that her mother, a wonderful sweet lady whom I had laughed and enjoyed time with and prayed with, passed away yesterday.

 

As I watched Daisy's memorial service I found myself moved to tears, lots of tears. Even though I didn't personally know this little girl, the stories of her faith were extremely moving, as well as the brokenness and sting on the faces of her friends and family. All those tears weren't just for Daisy though...

They were for each of my dear friends who are suffering from the affects of cancer and death... Things that I do not think are in the will of God but that God has somehow worked into His plan.

Doubt was discussed some by Daisy's father. He admitted that she asked all the questions that we all would have asked if we were her at different points of her journey: Why is there cancer? Why do I have it? Will I die? Where is God in all of this? Despite the doubt, it sounds like Daisy chose to believe that God was greater than her circumstances and became from the sounds of it, one of the most grateful little girls that I have ever heard of. In the midst of horrible pain that no one should experience let alone a little girl, she, out of her own volition, would choose to send God joy filled prayers of thanks for her family and friends, and not "why me" prayers concerning her situation. As her mom was sharing she mentioned the all to real fact that the things we complain about in America cannot compare with the horrors and struggle most face on a daily basis in other countries, and yet we begin to doubt God if we don't get exactly what we want while people who are going without food are joyfully trusting the Lord......

I too, am guilty of this kind of sickly, puffed up (as Daisy's mom put it) entitlement.

For anyone reading this, let this be a reminder that EVERYTHING is a GIFT,

E V E R Y  D A Y is a GIFT given by the Father of Lights.

Please, say a prayer for yours and my suffering friends, and LORD PLEASE may we all think twice before complaining about anything.

A few words and a few encouragements.

Wow...

Its been a long time.

It's crazy how business adds up time wise. Its been a good business, a hard business, a confusing business, a fun business... a completely different business than I've ever been in.

I'm slowly being changed. By beholding my Beloved, continually coming back to Him, and living with others on a similar journey. Its weird... haha.. its crazy. I think it's taken this time to actually see that I am being changed, slowly but surely. I have a frustrated/love relationship with the plans of God. They are NOTHING like I thought they would be, but they are EXACTLY what I need. He has me in a place of active waiting on Him. Though I have a ministry here and now and all the time, I still haven't heard a clear call of the specifics of what and where my life will look like. Sometimes I doubt, sometimes I wander away from the path... and that really scares me. And in some way I hope it continues to scare me... but not in a fear of man or fear of the future or fear of anything... but may it move into a healthy fear and reverence of God that will manifest into drawing me nearer to Him, thus eradicating any other fear.

Though the specifics of my calling remain unsure, there are things that have been revealed to me here that I now see are essential to this path that I'm walking:

HUMILITY, LOWLINESS, PATIENCE, EQUALITY, JUSTICE, SELF CONTROL, PRAYER, FORGIVENESS, FAITH among other things.

I'm seeing these abstract words in a new fleshed out light, seeing what some of them actually mean. I'm learning something here that I thought I was going to learn but honestly had no idea what it looked like: loving people who aren't like me and that are hard to love. My desire is to learn what love actually looks like. What loving GOD actually looks like. What loving PEOPLE and MYSELF actually looks like. I get it wrong alot of the time... but I'm starting to feel like anchor that as long as I keep showing up, keep trying, keep coming back (שׁוּב shuv: repent) He... beautiful He will be faithful. Is faithful. Will be faithful.

Wanted to share a couple of things have have been encouraging/inspiring to me as of late.

Though I'm not but into the "hardcore" music now-a-days, God continues to break out of my boxes. Prayer and healing have been something that the past couple of years God has laid HEAVILY on my heart and I LOVE to hear testimonies of Gods faithfulness in these areas as I continue to pursue them. Though that seemed like 2 unrelated sentences, I'm going to bring them together for you. There is this group of bands/ministry/movement called Come&Live! which is a group of heavy metal Christians bands who tour and love on people and see Gods power very often. Their blogs have been a source of encouragement for me to keep praying and believing in the power of God even in the midst of my own disbelief or visible manifestations of power. You can find their blogsite here and I'll give you a chunk of a blog entry that really gave me encouragement here:

In all these cases we prayed much but saw few results. In all honesty, we saw very little in the area of physical needs restored at festival this year. What I know, now more than ever, is that I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t have all the answers, but my heart yearns to become more like the ultimate Answer. Jesus experienced 100% recovery in those he prayed for – nothing was impossible for him. Until we see the same, we humbly learn to fulfill 1 Thessalonians 5, “Rejoice always. Pray without ceasing.” Giving up on the needs of others is not a character-trait Christ possessed, nor should I/we. Who am I to think God can’t just as easily restore all three cases long after I’m gone? Maybe more “high-fiving Americans” isn’t what New Zealand needs? If anything, the times we don’t see what we believe for allows us the opportunity to grow in ways in which we never knew possible. I’m growing. It’s good for you to know that this faith journey is ongoing. Grow and grow. Not seeing results? Not sure where God is in your trials? Don’t give up on yourself, on others and especially on God. Part of our story is cheering each other on in this good fight of faith. Giving up on others when we don’t see God-sized results is worse than not praying at all. Persevere. Jesus, you are near. Even when we don’t see things happening, even when we are doubt-filled, full of fear, unbelieving and completely uncertain of your goodness – you are near. Move our hearts toward the broken. Guide us to be and do who Jesus was and what Jesus did. 

 And lastly *sigh* when I get home from break, I am probably going to buy this: http://theseainbetween.com/. If you never heard of Josh Garrels, I need you to do 2 things. 1. Go to www.joshgarrels.com and get his FREE album and 2. Listen to it a couple of times, praise God and enjoy :)

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