What our hearts do with delay

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,    but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I think we all experience seasons of life where we feel our hope being deferred. And for those of you who are there now, when you really think about it, in a sense we're all there at one point or another.

Its so easy when waiting on God to slip into self pity and doubt; especially when glimpses of the realization of what we are waiting for come and when it seems the expectation is about to be fulfilled - it slips away, remaining elusive. Growth. Progress. Visualize. We in the West are such a driven people, sometimes (maybe a lot of times) to a fault.

I really thought I got a pretty secure date of departure for leaving to PNG, then I found out I notarized some paperwork incorrectly and need to resubmit it which takes another 2 weeks to send not counting the time it will take to process on arrival.

So I teared up a bit. My heart has definitely felt flu-ish for a while now.

Yet I can feel YAH my Creator keep desperately calling me to hang on... to cling white knuckles to Him alone. He beckons for my attention, He is a jealous GOD (Exodus 34:14). But not jealous because of stuck-up pride. He is jealous for glory because He deserves all glory. He deserves ALL our attention. HE deserves to be our hope - not what He can give us, do to us, do through us, give to us...

HE needs has to be the TOTAL and COMPLETE sole object of our affections, vision and purpose.  Because when He is, we are complete - lacking nothing (James 1:4)

My weariness has caused distraction. I should never let my situation, no matter how intense/boring/exciting/expectant/horrific it is move me. Oh that my eyes were like Yeshua's who, though fully experienced all human emotions, pains, trials and circumstances; was not moved by them.

For His eyes were fixed not on what is seen, but what is Unseen (2 Corinthians 4:18)



Ok so my new favorite band is United Pursuit for like 1 billion reasons. It is incredible how my tastes have changed recently when it comes to music, all I really want to listen to is worship. Anyway, I have anticipated their new album for about a month now and it just released yesterday. I was not disappointed. Then this song happened. I've never experienced a song that I felt, to this extent, sings simultaneously what my heart is currently saying and what my heart longs to say with complete conviction (the following italics, bolding an underlining are mine):

Hidden feat. Will Regan

There was one when I was young
Who knew my heart
He knew my sorrow
He held my hand
And he lead me to trust him

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

As I grow
And as I change
May I love you more deeply
I will lean upon your grace
I will reap because your goodness is unending

You are my vision
My reason for living
Your kindness leads me to repentance
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend
I can’t explain it
This sweet assurance
But I’ve never known this kind of friend

The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory
The sun, moon, and stars
Shout your name
They give you reverence
And I will do the same
With all my heart I give you glory

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

I want to seek you first
I want to love you more
I want to give you the honor you deserve
So I bow before you
I am overcome by the beauty of this perfect love

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

Now I am hidden
In the safety of your love
I trust your heart and your intentions
Trust you completely
I’m listening intently
You’ll guide me through these many shadows

{Preparation}

Wow...

There is so much I can say on this Shabbat.... I'm just floored. YHWH is SO good, even in the midst of our nothingness, our anguish, our joy- our everything!

For those who don't know, it looks like I'll be heading to Papua New Guinea to help out this wonderful missionary couple Marlin and Lynda Stucky towards the beginning of next year. I prayed quite a bit about this when I was let known their need for a media person once again (I had been hearing about them for years from some friends) and felt that through a few different confirmations that this is the direction that I was suppose to take. I've been met with interesting mixed reviews from people as well as in my own heart. I want SO DESPARATELY to dive into fundraising and preparing every little detail for this transition, being SO EXCITED about being in a new place again (and, to be honest, getting out of Quincy again [not to mention this time the United States!]).

But I feel this interesting restrain (I think) from God as well as actual restrain from circumstances about getting the right information and everything regarding this trip. I feel Him (and can concretely see) desperately asking and pleading me to wait on Him, His timing and His way, I was told even to consider that Elohim might have me prepare for months for this and end up having me do something else.

Even typing this out brings me some frustration and is revealing in me another layer of sin that, though I'll admit that I struggle with it, I haven't fully dealt with and that is control. I'm realizing that I am so forward thinking I can hardly take anything in right now, everything has to be planned out to the smallest detail. And also, I am so sure that I'm right (another problem :/) that I want people to do exactly what I want them to do and then everything will be right for them.

Now, Yah has been dealing with this in me for a while and the paragraph above is a description of the worst of this. I now see how our beautiful God is (sometimes rather forcefully) leading me out of this way of living and into constant dependence on Him not only for what to do and how to live life but also (just as importantly) how to guide others in this life.

For those of you who follow the feasts of the LORD, we are currently counting the Omer (I believe today will be the 40 or 41st day). I ran across a blog that I'm excited to fully explore that is about keeping the instructions of God in His word (Old and New Testaments) that has a FACINATING article about the Omer count that seemed to speak a LOT into my current situation... hopefully its true and not just wishful thinking ;)

http://messianicsabbath.com/2014/04/22/why-count-the-omer/

Shabbat shalom all!