What I Want To Do vs What I Actually Do

I want to:

PREACH THE GOSPEL! not ONLY with how I live my life but with words!! inspired words from the Holy Spirit filled with life and Jesus!!

feed the hungry, clothe the naked, take in the stranger, heal the sick, turn the other cheek, walk the second mile

pour out the jelous, exhausting, weighty, perfect, powerful, awful, big love of the Father to EVERYONE I meet... ESPECIALLY to thoes that hate and despise me

walk to my neighbors and just ask if I can share the gospel with them even if and ESPECIALLY because I think they will turn me down the first time

live C O U R A G E O U S L Y.... filled with the Spirit. Unafriad of what anyone can do to my body

count everything I have as loss

LIVE FOR CHRIST so that my dying will be all gain

have one lover my whole entire life...... Christ JESUS my Lord



What I actually do is:

My homework like a good little privaleged college student

Ignore the voice of God in my head that whispers (and sometimes screams) for more of me

Lay on my nice comfortable bed while other spend the night on the cement as their souls are wasting away without knowledge of the saving gospel

Sit here writing this blog while people DIE without hearing the gospel

What then shall we say? That the law is sin? By no means! Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, "You shall not covet." But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness. For apart from the law, sin lies dead. I was once alive apart from the law, but when the commandment came, sin came alive and I died. The very commandment that promised life proved to be death to me. For sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, deceived me and through it killed me. So the law is holy, and the commandment is holy and righteous and good.

Did that which is good, then, bring death to me? By no means! It was sin, producing death in me through what is good, in order that sin might be shown to be sin, and through the commandment might become sinful beyond measure. For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Lord, save me from myself

A Cry

(WARNING: vent... read at own discretion)

I write this mainly to myself but also include any others who call yourselves "Christians"... all other people are excluded from this rant...

Oh... when God.... when will we realize.... that when in Your Word you say "POWER" and "GLORY".... that is what you mean... that you are not only a God of love but of WRATH and that you DEMAND .. You DEMAND justice!! When will we realize our pitiful folly... our course jokes... our complete blindness to the Power and Glory of Your name and Your self... You have become our trinket.... A word we use when we're angry.... our "homeboy"....

Creator and Sustainer of all things...

my homeboy??? I dont care anymore if its just a joke I dont care anymore if I'm quoting someone i dont FREAKING care how funny it really is... Lord... I'm tempted to ask you strike me where i stand when i take you lightly..... Oh Holiness... Oh Great Majesty ..............


forgive me



I cant do it! I cant live this life!!!! I CANNOT LIVE THE CHRISTIAN LIFE!! I cant!!! There is nothing in my power to do anything for Christ!!......... Oh how i mock Him so.... oh Jesus please forgive me! All of the beautiful things You've made... Your creation: the trees the hills the animals the mountains the sky the stars the moon the sun the galaxies the atoms the angels scream Your praises! Everyday in their languages they cry:

Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come

And we.... with no problem at all..... call you homeboy? Deal with you lightly in conversation oh GOD! Have mercy on me!........................................have mercy on me..........................

Oh please... may I never... EVER again take you lightly.... EVER again
Oh... if we could see You.... we would not be taking Your Name so lightly...... we would not be taking Your personhood so lightly.... we would either be on the ground dead or on the groud out of our minds HORRIFIED at the Glory of Your Presence.. *just read Job to understand this* I RIGHTLY DESERVE EVERY EVIL THAT COMES AFTER ME! IF GOD WERE TO SEND ME TO HELL I WOULD STILL DESERVE IT AND HE WOULD STILL BE HOLY....



oh Father... I dont understand it.... thank You for Your grace... Your grace is my anchor... oh my i realize from what You are saving me from... and to NEVER again take it lightly... thank You that I can have grace on other people who do take You lightly... and may I God... because You have had the utmost grace on me... help me to learn grace.... teach me grace..... teach me grace

ASmallPrayer

Oh Lord....


Please forgive me. For thinking wrongly of you. For thinking of others above you. For thinking of my own oppinions of you above you. For being a jerk while calling other people jerks. For my sin forgive me...

How ignorant I am of the sheer magnitude of it without you... Oh Father... Jesus... I cling to You by Your Holy Spirit... become precious to me. More precious then the next breath you lovingly give to me. May I know they way in which you work and not limit you. May you continue fixing my eyes soley on you and not my desires. May I begin to love how you have shown us to love... so powerfull and majestically... Please help me to remember that all the desires I have for other things can be fulfilled completely in You.

Oh Lord....

Thank you

Equivalent to a Journal Entry

"Jesus paid it all, all to Him I owe, sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow"



He paid. it. ALL.

He paid it all!! He PAID IT ALL!!

He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him —2 Corinthians 5:21

Oh how these words soothe my soul... because there really is no one righeous... not even ONE. And I am the worst of these... but He paid it!!! He didnt just feel sorry for me!!! He WAS NOT just an example for me to follow!! He has began to put His own perfect life in me... even as we speak there is life, pure, real, beautiful life being given to my dead rotting soul and body...... oh but not by anything I've done... not by ANYTHING I've done... Oh MAN this is so hard for us to grasp... many people end up dying unsaved because we think its too good to be true or its just plain impossible. If we truly with uncovered eyes look upon ourselves we know the monstrosity that is our own hearts. If we truly look we see and know that it doesnt matter how many good things we've done in a row or how good our attitiude is or how good we think our motives are we know they're really not. We know that even if some of the things we have done are good we're going to mess it all up tomorow, there will be a time when we lash out or think a horrifically vengeful and murderous thought or we will refrain from doing something worthy and noble because we want to look good in front of the wrong people. I'm sorry to say this but there will be a day when we have to stand before a perfect righeous judge that demands perfect justice. And if we dont have the One who paid it all living inside of us we will not measure up. And there wont be anymore second chances. But right now Oh there is a marvelous second chance!! To explain this the best way I can I have to borrow from a wonderful theologian Oswald Chambers,

"Sin is a fundamental relationship— it is not wrong doing, but wrong being— it is deliberate and determined independence from God. The Christian faith bases everything on the extreme, self-confident nature of sin. Other faiths deal with sins— the Bible alone deals with sin...and it is because we have ignored this in our presentation of the gospel that the message of the gospel has lost its sting and its explosive power...The revealed truth of the Bible is not that Jesus Christ took on Himself our fleshly sins, but that He took on Himself the heredity of sin that no man can even touch. God made His own Son "to be sin" that He might make the sinner into a saint. It is revealed throughout the Bible that our Lord took on Himself the sin of the world through identification with us, not through sympathy for us. He deliberately took on His own shoulders, and endured in His own body, the complete, cumulative sin of the human race.

Oh... myself and anyone who is reading this... REPENT AND BELIEVE!! Be saved!

He can do it!

Whats been going through my head

Lord...

God of the Universe...

am i Yours?

I have begun to see in Your Word to what extent the heinous crime of sin really is... I also have begun to see just how much you cannot stand for it. You see it as pussy oozing sore (Isaiah 1:6) and vomit (Proverbs 26:11). Even my good deeds... my good deeds... to you its a soiled dirty tampon (Isaiah 64:6). Oh God... oh Lord God how... how misserable I am. Do I hate this sin? Do I HATE this vomit... these filthy oozing sores of mine. If I truley, with eyes opened wide looked at myself and looked at you, these things are what I would be without You. Oh Jesus... you say without a doubt all over Your Word that if You inhabbit a person they are changed. Their desires, motives and ACTIONS will begin to take a great change. OH JESUS... is that me?

Now... I have seen changes in my life. SIGNIFAGANT changes in what I will, or even what I enjoy allowing myself to watch/read/listen to. I truley have began to find a hatred for sinful things. But oh how I still struggle... oh dear friends... ESPECIALLY those of you who call yourselves "Christians" and claim Christ Jesus...

T  E  S  T    Y  O  U  R    S  E  L  V  E  S
                   1 JOHN 3

I BEG and PLEAD with you... go through the Bible... ESPECIALLY the parts that you don't agree with. Because, you gotta know it makes NO SENSE WHAT-SO-EVER to take only parts of the Bible litterally! (2 Timothy 3:16) Notice how this verse says  A L L . Not most, ALL and you cant skip that part!! So please... read your Bible! Have the changes stated in the Bible began showing up in your life? (Romans 6:19) (Hebrews 10:14) (1 Corinthians 6:11) (Romans 6:22) (and SO much more) If not.. GET DOWN ON YOUR FACE AND PRAY... This is no small deal. SIN is the problem you guys... S I N is the problem. And not anyone elses but you're own sin and my own sin. God did not hide His face from Jesus when He was on the cross because He felt sorry for Him. He did it because MY and YOUR NASTY, UGLY, PEAUTRID, DISPICABLE, DAMNABLE, DIRTY sin... was all He could see. "But the LORD was pleased to crush Him"... (Isaiah 53:10) That is how just God is... do you know how wonderful, beautiful and poweful Jesus is? The universe was made, THROUGH Him, BY Him AND FOR Him. The birds sing for HIM the sun rises for HIM yours and my heart beats for HIM... oh the love that God the Father has for Jesus... it is more than any human could take. He takes great pleasure in Him (Matthew 3:17) The pure unfiltered love God has for His Son would kill me on the spot by the sheer magnitude of it... Yet it pleased the LORD... to crush Him...

Oh yeah... I say to myself I dont sin too bad... Thinking to much about a guy... laughing at a dirty joke here and there...

IT PLEASED GOD TO CRUSH HIS ONE AND ONLY PRECIOUS SINLESS SON BECAUSE AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME HE LOOKED LIKE ME...


...

Now because of that, I can be fully loved my the Most High... Oh the great love and justice of God... all I am saying through this (and I'm saying it mainly to myself)... just check yourself. If there is a definate and notable change in your life from how you were before Christ, that is very good. The biggest sign is... do you hate that you just laughed at that joke? Do you hate that you just spent a good 20 minutes daydreaming about things that you shouldnt? If you DO hate it... that is a very good sign. Now if you dont... pray to God for mercy. And if you feel no shame for any of this what-so-ever... stop claiming Christ and just go on your own way... (Like I said... I'm telling this mainly to myeslf)...

Save me Lord

Just so good!

This book! I can't get over it! God has been working hardcore in my life through "My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. I reccomend this book to EVERYONE! Plus, you only read a page of it a day so every one of you has time for it :). Todays entry spoke so directly to all that I've been learning recently I thought I'd share it with you:

I indeed baptize you with water . . . but He . . . will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire —Matthew 3:11

Have I ever come to the point in my life where I can say, "I indeed . . . but He . . ."? Until that moment comes, I will never know what the baptism of the Holy Spirit means. I indeed am at the end, and I cannot do anything more— butHe begins right there— He does the things that no one else can ever do. Am I prepared for His coming? Jesus cannot come and do His work in me as long as there is anything blocking the way, whether it is something good or bad. When He comes to me, am I prepared for Him to drag every wrong thing I have ever done into the light? That is exactly where He comes. Wherever I know I am unclean is where He will put His feet and stand, and wherever I think I am clean is where He will remove His feet and walk away.

Repentance does not cause a sense of sin— it causes a sense of inexpressible unworthiness. When I repent, I realize that I am absolutely helpless, and I know that through and through I am not worthy even to carry His sandals. Have I repented like that, or do I have a lingering thought of possibly trying to defend my actions? The reason God cannot come into my life is that I am not at the point of complete repentance.

"He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire." John is not speaking here of the baptism of the Holy Spirit as an experience, but as a work performed by Jesus Christ. "He will baptize you . . . ." The only experience that those who are baptized with the Holy Spirit are ever conscious of is the experience of sensing their absolute unworthiness.

"I indeed" was this in the past, "but He" came and something miraculous happened. Get to the end of yourself where you can do nothing, but where He does everything.

And WOAH I just found a website where you can read this everyday (I think) and not even have to buy it! http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php so now theres NO excuse :D

Have a good one!

LifeRightNow...

Have you ever felt like your life has started over again? Have you ever gone through a new season with God (or just of life) where it seems like you're going in a completely new direction?... Spiritually.. I am THERE right now. These past 3 months, and probably the few months leading up to them, have been a roller coaster of spiritual change for me. I have been at some of the lowest places in my life, dealing with some of the HARDEST things both in my life and the life of my family and friends. I've also come to realize some truths about God that have made me desire and yearn for Him more than I ever have in my life. Here are just some of the things that I've been dealing with and have learned:

Trials MUST come. Suffering IS for good.

I feel like I've kind of always known this in the back of my head, seeing the suffering of my family and how God has used it to shape their lives, but I feel for a while I was lured away to thinking that that all horrible things are straight from Satan and that a good God would not want them to happen. Oh how far from the truth that sounds now typing it out! Yes... I am a FIRM believer in the power of God to heal and to restore. I have a cousin who was healed of cancer! I also believe in praying for healing, but ALWAYS ending with the ultimate pleading for Gods will to be done before ours. I do not in any way think God allows pain and suffering (in all ways: emotional, spiritual and physical) because He enjoys it. I believe He allows it to occur to draw us nearer to Himself and to make us look more like Jesus! The evidence of this is found ALL over the Bible both in the Old and New Testaments. Just looking back at my life, its so extremely easy to realize this work. It was the times when I felt everything had been taken away and all the strength in myself and others have completely depleted that I can clearly see that the Almighty, Jesus is the only one I need or want! And that His GLORY surpasses all the other things that I attributed that glory to, before He took it all away. I'm seeing also that suffering MUST come in the Christian life, that we should NEVER, EVER come to a point where we believe we suffered enough or grown to be Christ-like enough. These are hard facts! But, OH how true I believe they are!

Salvation = Transformation


This one still blows my mind. I have began to receive all sorts of new insights on big issues dealing with my faith. I feel like I am just beginning to understand the basics of my faith! One of the most pivotal things I think that I have learned is that just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" does not mean that they truly are. And also I had to (and still do have to) take a really deep and hard look at my own life. What NEEDS to be thoroughly looked at in our lives are OUR FRUITS: what we do on a daily basis and what we truly desire. I should ask myself EVERY day about EVERY action, what is my purpose in this? Am I doing it to the glory of God? And if consistently the answer is no, then I need to truly ask God through the Holy Spirit to see if He has actually changed me. I feel like there are so many people that truly believe that they are saved from their sins just because they prayed a prayer one time in their life. I now know that a prayer CANNOT save you... in the LEAST. ONLY by the power if God the Holy Spirit can you be saved. And, here's the deal, if you are really saved: THERE WILL BEGIN TO BE A CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE, not just in your heart, but daily in the way you live out your life. You will begin to desire things that are NOT of this world. The main verses that contest to this are Matthew 7:15-23

15"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but
inwardly they are ferocious wolves. 16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do
people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every
good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18A good tree cannot
bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. 19Every tree that does
not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20Thus, by their fruit
you will recognize them.
21"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will
enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is
in heaven. 22Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy
in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?'
23Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you
evildoers!'

These word have begun to really shake me. They have scared me but I believe they have also saved my life. No... I do NOT believe in any way what-so-ever that works have saved my life or can save any ones life in any way. But I DO BELIEVE that if the work of the Mighty King of Glory JESUS CHRIST has truly SAVED a person, that they CANNOT be the same again. They will not become perfect all of the sudden or ever stop sinning, but they will never be the same and they will CONTINUE changing. And PRAISE GOD FOR THIS!!! I am so glad my eyes have been open to this AMAZING truth! This makes the cross and the glory and purpose of God, SO much more powerful. Praise Him!

The thing I think I've learn the most is... just how much I don't know anything!..... Just how much there is still to learn about our great God... and just... how gracious He is to us... He is SO gracious guys... we need to STOP allowing ourselves to be blinded by our circumstances and our culture... We need to recognize what real truth is... and spend our times dwelling/thinking about/meditating on those things

P.S. Guess what... God willing... I'm going to Israel for 2 weeks in February :D